the MIRREN LEE

The 2012 Act Three Journey of an Actress/Coach/Writer.

Archive for November, 2012

Day 332 VICTORY!

Posted by themirrenlee on 30/11/2012

Wow, what a feeling.

Three weeks of holding onto tension, no matter how much I tried to let go, and now it’s all over. I certainly felt the fear, but I certainly did it anyway!

The funny thing is, today was probably the easiest of all the sessions, as is so often the case when we build something up really big in our minds. The hygienist was patience and kindness personified, and then my three fillings were over in a hop, skip and a jump.

I even got Christmas shortbread for being brave! 🙂

I don’t have to go back for six months, and the good news is I won’t be stressed now. I know what to expect, and I know they respect my wacky pain receptors.

I feel an incredible exhilaration having pushed through my fears and accomplished this – the last day of my chance to have it done under the Dental Scheme. I feel like I can do anything now!

If anyone reading this has fears they need to push through, I highly recommend what I think is the best book on this subject: Susan Jeffer’s “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway”. She has great tips and exercises to shrink your fear boundaries.

When we’re facing the unknown is, obviously, the time we are most frightened. Since there will always be a lot of things in life that we can’t know about, or control, in advance, then it makes sense to have techniques that will help us to get through them anyway.

It’s also good to be able to comfort our children when they need it. Sarah had a habit of always thinking the worst would happen in any situation. I developed a habit of asking her why she was playing the “Bad What If …” game, when the “Good What If …” game was so much nicer. So when she would ask, “What if school is boring today?”, I’d answer, “But what if it’s lots of fun AND you meet a new best friend today?”

We continue to play the “Good What If …” game now, years later, to continue to remind each other to stay optimistic (and attract positive energy).

So, next step. I need to leave here in Melbourne and get to Sydney within a week or so of Christmas. I’ll have to work out a detailed plan to get all my organizing done before I leave. Once I’m in Sydney, I’ll stay there until I leave for L.A. on January 27th.

And for the immediate future, no doctors and no dentists – hallelujah!

I’m just smilin’ …

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Day 331 Fragile

Posted by themirrenlee on 29/11/2012

This dental work I’m having is a huge commitment achieved by me for this year.

And it’s now, when I’m approaching the finishing line, that I’m finding it the hardest.

Three more fillings, one to fix a broken tooth so it’s quite major, and a total cleaning by the hygienist, are what I have to look forward to. It will involve a full mouth numbing, so I must try really hard not to eat my own tongue again!

I have done really well with it all, but tonight I feel NO, I don’t want to do anymore, and my Inner Child is anxious and teary.

Then I think of all the sick people who don’t want one more injection, or blood withdrawal or drug side effects, and yet find the courage to do it, anyway.

Like my darling grandson, Nicky, when he beat leukemia a few years ago. He showed me what real bravery is.

Some people, I’m sure, find my struggles with the dentist strange. You’d be the bizzaro people who fall asleep in the chair! Roman, in our household, is one of them.

But you don’t have wacko pain receptors that both heighten my pain and make it act in strange ways, as well as TM joints that spasm when my mouth stays open for only a short time. And you don’t have freight trains run over you the next day.

So I won’t resent you for not having Fibro. if you don’t think I’m a scaredy cat just because of a dental visit, or six. 🙂

I’m going to bed now to visualize seeing myself on the other side of it.

I’m just meditatin’ …

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Day 330 Close to the Finish Line

Posted by themirrenlee on 28/11/2012

Wow, what a reaction today. I feel like Hummers, buffalos AND several tanks have run over me. Repeatedly.

As horrible as it is to have a next day reaction to exertion from the day before, there’s almost something comforting in knowing what the routine will be, so that I can plan for it.

Tomorrow should be okay for getting things done, and then Friday I have my last dental appointment, after which I know Saturday will be a write off.

I am SO looking forward to being able to stop using up my energy on dental visits, and getting back to preparing for my trip.

I’ll also be able to write more.

I’m just waitin’ …

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Day 329 Vampire Teeth

Posted by themirrenlee on 27/11/2012

Today was the hardest.

Four injections, three fillings, a tooth that fell apart and needed banding, and then, to top it all off, my face was so numb I started eating my tongue! I didn’t realize until I looked in the mirror and saw the blood coming out of my mouth.

Vampire R I.

So my head hurts, my teeth hurt, my chewed up tongue hurts, and my muscles are sore from all the tension and clenching.

One more day – Friday.

I can do this. I AM doing this.

I’m just bein’ strong …

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Day 328 Cranky Pants

Posted by themirrenlee on 26/11/2012

I’m cranky and tired.

I’m just not postin’ tonite …

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Day 327 Peroxide Perk Up

Posted by themirrenlee on 25/11/2012

It’s been a funny ol’ day.

I’ve spent the whole of it recuperating from my wee Flare yesterday, and feel much better for it. Physically.

But mentally I am struggling not to feel fed up and depressed over the “losing” of days.

One thing that helps is treating my hair to a dose of peroxide. I’m a blonde, but my carpet doesn’t match my drapes, if you get my meaning, and luckily my hair just adores being dyed. I’ve tried every color on the color wheel (naturally it’s a “gopher brown”) and always come back to blonde because it not only suits me, it also looks very natural. Even hairdressers have commented on how well I do with the color, which is a real compliment because I know they’d much rather have me pay them to do it.

So I now feel rested, and much better mentally. I like to get things on my list done, and that was one of them.

I have a very big week coming up, starting with the doctor tomorrow, then a dental appointment on Tuesday, followed by a big, final one on Friday. I’ve been told that I have several crowns in my future, but at $1600 a pop, they’ll just have to wait a little bit.

Then on Sunday Sarah and Nathan are going to drive me to Cowes on Phillip Island (just under two hours out of Melbourne), where my saint-like friend Tracey has been storing a lot of my things at her house, ever since I moved from there about 2 years ago! Like I said, saint-like.

On the Monday, I plan to have a little collapse – I think I will have earned it.

However, I will also be very happy to have accomplished so many things towards getting ready for my trip. Please, Universe, let me not have any Flares this week.

Besides completely sorting out all of my belongings before I go to Sydney for Christmas, from where I’ll leave on January 27th for my trip, I have two final big jobs to do here in Melbourne. One is to renovate a vintage blanket box that I sold to Carly on the proviso that I would refurbish it, and the other is to sell about a million items on eBay. Okay, so maybe not a million, but quite a few.

I sold David’s Sunbeam espresso coffee maker for them, but unfortunately the Nespresso style machines have made the bottom drop out of the market of the regular machines. I got a grand total of $7.50 for it! Let’s hope I do better with a lot of my other items.

My sleeping has started being a tad erratic again, which I find distressing. I’m going to have faith that it will get better again. To that end, good nite.

I’m just waitin’ for the Sandman …

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Day 326 Thanksgiving Twist

Posted by themirrenlee on 24/11/2012

And this is why I hate Fibromyalgia.

Mirren, say hello to Wall.

I made its acquaintance as I tried to get out of bed. I realized I must have hit it because I felt sore, exhausted and nauseous.

If you’ve ever over exercised or exerted yourself to the brink, you are familiar with the feeling. Like you will never feel well again.

I’ve been having a good run, but my body was saying it needed to stop completely for many hours.

And yet, there was Thanksgiving at Sarah’s! We had made so much food!

While I’m wondering what to do, Roman gets a phone call. He FORGOT he was on call for the weekend – mainly because he rarely gets called in (he’s an Anaesthetist). One more down.

To complete the trifecta, Caryl says she can feel one of her migraines coming on! She doesn’t feel she can go, either.

After agonizing about whether or not I should try to push through, I realized that my nausea was not a good combo with all the food, but I was determined to do what I could to help Sarah with the first Thanksgiving that’s “hers”.

I threw on some clothes, loaded the car, and drove the 40 minutes to her boyfriend’s house. He WOULD have to live in the boondocks – pretty boondocks, but a long drive nonetheless.

It’s a good thing the police don’t breathalyze for Fibro, because one is not 100% at their best when driving behind a Wall, but I did it carefully.

I got there to find my baby knee deep in making food while entertaining early guests. She was making our secret family recipe for “Mashed Potato Salad” which I’ve handed down to her, plus testing the ham (a friend was bringing the turkey and roast potatoes) in the oven. She had, appropriately, an obscene amount of food, including my contributions for the vegetarians.

She knew just by looking at me why I couldn’t stay. She’s lived with me having this condition her whole life.

I reminded her to make sure she led the two toasts – one to absent family and friends we wish could be with us today, and the really important one: at least one thing everyone is thankful for. She felt nervous asking people to do this, but I reminded her that she’s the hostess at this Thanksgiving and she needs to make sure people understand it’s not just a normal feast – it’s one for giving thanks. This is kind of sacred to me – it’s the reason I love this holiday.

Then I left, with one last hug for my beautiful girl, surrounded by all of her Australian friends eagerly pitching in to share in an occasion they’ve never experienced before, my eye caught by the beautifully laid out table Sarah had so lovingly created, including a tablecloth with a turkey motif she found somewhere.

I drove carefully home to my bed, as I thought about all the blessings I have to be thankful for. I don’t need food to do that.

(Tell you what, though. Sarah had bloody well remember to pass on some leftovers, or there’ll be hell to pay!)

I’m just thankful’ …

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Day 325 Stop and Thank

Posted by themirrenlee on 23/11/2012

We are celebrating Thanksgiving at the house of my daughter, Sarah, and her boyfriend, Nathan tomorrow (Saturday), because at 25 she wanted to host her first one.

We are celebrating with friends – some hers, some his, plus me, Roman and Caryl. They are among our oldest friends, and have the title “godparents” to Sarah because of that friendship (which started in high school with Roman and Sarah’s father). They are also, at the moment, being kind enough to let me live with them.

I am a total believer in being grateful for what is done for us, or given to us, out of caring, affection or love. I had a VERY difficult upbringing, and whenever anyone was good to me, helping me in some way, I always swore I would “pass it forward” when I could (long before the movie ever came out!).

There are no other family members tomorrow because David, Katie and Nicky are in Sydney, my parents are dead, and I have no relationship with my 6 siblings. My choice, after enough
therapy!

I have just finished the pumpkin pie and tarts (I like them even better that way), plus the cornbread and yams. I am a vegetarian, so Caryl has made two wonderful meatless dishes, plus there’s always too many side dishes for my tiny tummy. I like to save room for the sweet stuff!

As the matriarch now, I make everyone go around the table and say one thing they’re grateful for. If we don’t do that, then I feel it’s just a big, obscene pigout. It makes the Australians, especially, who are not used to it, uncomfortable at first, but eventually everyone gets into it.
I don’t think people spend enough time stopping for a moment to think about what they DO have, instead of dwelling on what they DON’T.

I know that the phrase, “Attitude of Gratitude”, has been done a lot, but how many actually live it?

I am so grateful that even though I woke up today having hit my wall of pain and fatigue – including pain from the three fillings yesterday – it all slowly ebbed and I was able to cook. Something I haven’t done in about 15 years!

I have so much to be grateful for – from feeling better to maybe being able to make my trip in January to having only non toxic people in my life now.

I might make everyone be quiet tomorrow and I’ll share just all MY blessings!

When you take inventory of what’s causing you stress in your life right now, I hope you’ll also fit in some gratitude thoughts as well. They actually help to take some of the stress away.

Australia doesn’t have a Thanksgiving, so I always love a chance to introduce it to newbies. It’s such a wonderful, simple idea: express thanks for what we have.

Last year I wasn’t well enough to participate, so of course that’s my first, major thanks for this year – I can join in.

Once you start thinking about all the things you have to be grateful for, you’ll find your list starts to snowball and before you know it, the bad things don’t seem so bad after all. Your whole mood and psyche will feel better and happier, which makes your body healthier, and that’s always a good thing, isn’t it?

When you think of it that way, Thanksgiving helps you live longer!

There are so many reasons that it’s one of my favorite occasions (and pumpkin tarts are high on the list).

I’m just bein’ thankful …

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Day 324 When the Going Gets Tough …

Posted by themirrenlee on 22/11/2012

… the tough go to bed.

Three big fillings. I still can’t feel most of my face.

What I can feel hurts.

I’m just goin’ unconscious …

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Day 323 Foggy Numbers

Posted by themirrenlee on 21/11/2012

See how foggily tired I am? I numbered it wrong.

Today is 323.

I’m just recountin’ …

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