the MIRREN LEE

The 2012 Act Three Journey of an Actress/Coach/Writer.

Day 316 Readin’ Mommy Porn

Posted by themirrenlee on 14/11/2012

Well, here I am at the point in this bug where I’m too weak to function normally, but feeling better enough so that I’m fidgety and cranky with the weak part.

I would usually comfort myself by reading something. Since I’ve read everything on hand that’s good, I’ve been forced to look at the books David downloaded for me.

He said I have to read this one particular book, just like I had to watch at least the first “Twilight”, so I’d know what all the fuss was about (for which, make no mistake, I still haven’t forgiven him.)

So I’m reading it, and good god almighty please save me from “Mommy Porn” authors. Yep, you guessed it: I am attempting to read “Fifty Shades of Grey”. While mopping my bleeding eyes.

This is the kind of book that makes people say, “I could have written that.”

And they probably could have. Along with monkeys, feral cats and mentally disturbed homeless people. Just better.

I would rather read proper porn. At least it would lack pretension, and have fewer pages to wade through until we got to the sexy bits. So far, at page 80, all our heroine has done is s w o o n repeatedly at our hero, and now, finally, fainted in his arms.

My late mother, as avid a reader as I am, always said that life is too short to waste reading bad books. I agree with her, and hate being torn because I want to read for myself if it’s really as bad as so many people say, but at the same time I’m running out of tissues for my eyes.

Yes, I know it’s insanely popular – never mistake popularity with quality reading, though. With that reasoning, we’d all be nominating “The Guinness Book of Records” for a Pulitzer Prize.

Luckily, when asked why I read it, I can say I wasn’t well. (Same for why I didn’t finish it.)

Of course, no matter how irritated I get with the writing, I won’t give up until I’ve “experienced” the reason all the Mommies are reading it: SM/Bondage sex play. Swoon. Evidently.

There’s one thing I wish I could make compulsory – these types of books should HAVE to be read WITH the wonderful writers who knew how to really handle a swoon: Jane Austen, the Brontes, Catherine Cookson, etc.

I’ll trade reading about “real” sex to seeing Mr. Darcy rising out of the pond (especially Colin Fith, or anyone else who’s played it, or even the one in my head) while Lizzie swoons at this unexpected wet T shirt contest.

When writing about repressed sexuality it’s not necessary to make the woman doing the swooning an immature fruit loop. Unless you like Barbara Cartland’s style.

The final issue I have with the book is calling him Grey. So now because England (and her kind) and the U.S. (and her kind) can’t agree on whether it’s Grey or Gray, there’s constant confusion. Calling it “Fifty Shades of Black” is just as intriguing, with undertones of a sexy warlock.

I’m hoping the book helps me get sleepy, and not irritated, so my adrenalin doesn’t spoil the night. I would so very much like to feel stronger tomorrow.

I have passport forms to fill out and mail in.

As for this book,

I’m just feelin’ shades of doubt.

2 Responses to “Day 316 Readin’ Mommy Porn”

  1. Purple Law Lady said

    Hey Mirren,
    I read all three of the series. I actually liked them – not for the soft porn but for the (email) banter between the two. It was great light reading (I started reading them in Bali) but I agree that the series is not quite worth all its publicity!

  2. Okay, I’ll look forward to that then. I’m still stuck in “Oh my …” land every time he so much as continues breathing. I feel like there should at least be lions and tigers and bears, as well. Halfway through, I skipped to the end so now I think I’ll try Book Two. Is that where I’ll find emails?

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