Day 210 My Brain on Drugs

The cat never has insomnia. I want to kill the cat.

A brain on drugs. Notice it is sleeping.

Okay, so yesterday the hypno doc – Miriam – talked me through relaxing completely. Funny to hear her say exactly what I do in the relaxation sections of my voice and drama classes. I’ve always wanted someone to do it for me!

I went home relaxed, having made appointments to see her on Mondays and Fridays for the next 3 weeks. I hate making commitments, of course, because Fibromites never know when they’ll be run over by buffalos, but we’ll see how it goes. I am very committed to seeing if this helps my insomnia.

Then again, this whole relaxation thing comes with its own added pressure. I want it to work so I don’t feel like I did it “wrong” or something. Ah, Guilt, the emotion from Hell.

However, I do recommend it for anyone who … well, anyone, really. I don’t think the average person ever gets in a relaxed state! Too much to do, too little time to do it in. The stress of the world, blah, blah, blah. If you DO suffer from Fibro, though, you are one of those who at the very least should try a bit of relaxation therapy/hypnosis because pain causes stress, which causes the muscles to tense more. It’s such a vicious cycle.

I went home after the session, had a hot bath, and started doing the relaxation mantra myself – relax the feet, the legs, the stomach, the head, etc. I’ve done it a million times. It does help a bit, but is much better when someone else’s voice is talking you through it. At the end of a yoga class, when they do the relaxation bit, I always fall asleep. I think getting a voice tape from Miriam will work for me. Her voice is very soothing.

So did I have a good night’s sleep?

NO, I FUCKING DID NOT!

It was one of the worst. I finally took Phenergan and Mersyndol after midnight, so I was hungover today. I was lying awake at the beginning of the evening last night, feeling good, and planning all the things I was going to do today. I’m sure Fibromites will understand when I say that the reality of how we feel in the morning is a whole different thang! I ended up dragging myself around the house, accomplishing little, yelling at the cat to stop asking for food (he is SO overweight), and crushing my chest for a cuddle when I lie down. I love him to bits, but really, sometimes he’s as needy as … I’m sorry, I have to say it … a dog.

So I decided to take into account the hangover I always have the next day by drugging my brain very early – 5pm – and we’ll see how we go. Sometimes, I just ache to go deeply asleep so much that I’d love a general anaesthetic. I told my doctor, Barbie’s boyfriend Ken, that I do this sometimes, just take a big dose and sleep for about 20 hours – hopefully. He seems to think it’s okay, so I just have to not feel guilty and do it. Why guilty? Because I give myself such a hard time over my health, always thinking that if I were “better’, “stronger”, whatever, I’d be able to just be better right now, and stop “wasting time”. There’s always so much I want to do that I end up not being able to. I know I’m not alone in this, but it still sucks.

I still have to do the steps necessary to accept my You Are My Sunshine award nomination, but I need to sleep first. I hope to have better news tomorrow about that.

I’m just druggin’ …